I
am a primary school teacher, and there is a book we read when helping a grieving
child entitled The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. Children often experience
their first, painful loss through the death of a pet and in this book by Judith
Vjorst a pet named Barney has died and the child's mother suggests that she
try to think of 10 good things about him.
During the first days after Barney died this book title lodged itself in my mind and although at first I couldn't bear to think up 10 good things about Barney, lately I have found it a good activity to keep my mind busy while my heart recovers.
Barney didn't know about this book, but he did find it especially annoying that so many people name their pets Barney, and the irony of using the idea from this book has amused me. So with apologies to Barney, and gratitude to Judith Vjorst I will share with you the first nine and then the lOth good thing about Barney.
The first good thing about Barney is that he was really smart. When I met Barney he sat in front of me in high school chemistry. I was a senior and Barney was a sophomore. He was tall and lanky and not cool but really smart and I liked him right away. Over the years I admired his keen-edged Intelligence. Barney read voraciously, understood politics, and synthesized information so fast we all frustrated him sometimes, but he was never scornful. I was often aware of not being as smart as Barney, but I never felt self conscious about it -nor felt that I had to pretend to be smarter than I was.
The second good thing about Barney was that he was very funny. He loved making mischief and he had a wicked sense of humor. When Barney was really tickled he had a way of laughing while he talked that always made me laugh, even when the joke was on me. Barney's sense of humor was as irreverent and wacky as his intellect was sophisticated. His smile was immense- it filled his face -and was never broader than when he was up to some devilment. The second thing about Barney was his sense of humor.
The third good thing about Barney was that he was so tall. Thirty three years ago he was lanky and gangly -a medium sized boy inhabiting a tall man's body -and though he more or less grew into his body over the years he always had to sort of stoop down to the rest of us and the incongruity of his imposing height combined with his gentleness was part of his charm. Barney's height helped him on the dance floor, and as a young man he was an impressive folk dancer and the best part of him being a folk dancer was that he often danced the Hambo with me. The Hambo is a twirling dance where partners counterbalance each other's weight while pivoting around on one foot. Dancing the Hambo with Barney was always a thrill and made me thankful that he was so tall.
Barney was phenomenal with children. That's the fourth good thing about him. When we were kids, in high school, Barney was playful and funny and childlike and in our friendship I felt safe from the affectations of adulthood I had to maintain with other friends. Later I watched Barney with Lincoln and with his nephews and with children from the LABO program and always I was touched by the playful, gentle giant who could tease, cajole and needle, but also listen attentively and compassionately to children. Part of the reason Lincoln and the other children loved Barney so much is that he took them seriously, but he was always ready to play.
The fifth good thing about Barney, and this may surprise you, is that he was difficult to love. Barney was easy to fall in love with, easy to feel love for, certainly, but it was difficult to actually find the right way, the right actions, the right words to show him how much we loved him. This was a good thing because it caused us all to grow spiritually -to find a way to love Barney that didn't fit any stereotypes, any ideas of what we thought loving someone should be -which can have a lot to do with getting someone to act the way you want them to act. I almost never got Barney to act the way I wanted him to act although always, always I knew he loved me and through that I learned a different way of loving. Learning a way to love Barney was a gift about loving to me.
Barney was a gifted writer and that's the sixth good thing about him. He wrote impressively in his work with LABO, but it is through his letters that I think we can hear his voice so clearly. I recently moved and in sorting papers I came across some letters Barney wrote from J apan and elsewhere and when I read them the years disappear and I can easily jump back 25 years and hear his voice, chatting about his adventures, his happinesses, his worries and his plans through the wonderful, regular, colorful gift of his letters.
Along with Barney's keen intelligence, and maybe because of it, comes his irreverence, and that is the seventh good thing about Barney. Although much was sacred to Barney's heart, nothing much was sacred to his intellect, and he saw easily through self-motivation, sacred cows and mindless devotion. I didn't always agree with Barney, and he didn't always agree with me and he needled and teased me if I accepted easy solutions without thinking them through, but over the years I have internalized his habit of challenging the accepted path. It doesn't shock me now when my own son questions this culture's values, and I'm thankful for all the years of Barney's keen appraisal.
The eighth good thing about Barney is the other side of his irreverence, which is that he was probably the most thoughtful person I have ever known. Over the years of our friendship Barney enthusiastically participated in tiresome rituals he knew were important to me. He was kind to all animals, not just to Lily. Barney thought up surprise birthday parties, dinners, trips, and gifts -because he paid close attention to those around him and had an intuitive ability to know and remember what someone might need or want .It has been interesting but not surprising to learn of all the people who were touched by some unexpectedly thoughtful act of Barney's.
Nine, Barney was generous. A combination of his thoughtfulness an sensitivity , he knew when someone needed or wanted something and, once he knew, he did everything he could to provide it. Over the years I learned to be careful about idle wishing in Barney's presence. Barney and I didn't have gift-giving rituals, and we didn't always give presents to each other on occasions when people most often do. Lincoln's and my lives were made richer through Barney's generosity, however, and I know I'm not the only person who would say that many of the experiences and material objects I have most treasured have come to me from Barney.
The tenth good thing about Barney is that he is at peace. Barney's illness was a miserable one, and he was courageous in meeting it head on, taking an uncommon amount of responsibility for his own treatment. For 14 years his illness left him desperately thirsty, tired, nauseous, craving foods he couldn't have and tied to a machine when his greatest love was traveling. Yet only once, in a weak moment, when his new kidney started showing signs of the same disease, did he tell me he wasn't sure how he could go through it again. Barney is at peace now and those of us starting the part of our life without him are freed from this long period of worrying and fearing about his suffering. We would have held him here at any cost but, since we couldn't, we can follow our memories back - back behind the 14 year illness and find a way to cherish, to remember the tall, gangly, sensitive, gentle, thoughtful, generous man with an acute intelligence, a wicked sense of humor and a devilish grin who was our Barney.